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Quotes appear at the top of each episode of Oglaf. They are randomly generated and range from risque to silly. They do not have any relation to the episode itself. The authors have also confimed that they are all original content from themselves, on their Twitter account.

Formerly, the text was loaded by a Shockwave Flash document referenced to as log_lines.swf, which selected randomly from 74 quotes.

Currently, the quote is a GIF image randomly selected by a script after the page has loaded referenced to as ll.js. The new set of quotes does not contain any of the old ones.

The font used only has capital letters, so capitalisation is not apparent.

List of quotesEdit

  • Love is never wrong. Unless it's the love of being a total dick
  • My, Harold what big eyes you have
  • The weird penis monster has mistaken my penis for one of its young. Aw.
  • Has anybody seen my cloak of hiding?
  • Love is a game to you but to me it's a sport. Put on the padding
  • Your cocks seems sort of bland. I did learn fellatio on sausages though
  • The wind seems to whisper your name but it hasn't come up with your phone number yet
  • Sexually transmitted virginity is making us vulnerable to vampires
  • Just because you're sitting on an octopus doesn't make you king of the sea
  • Halt traveller! If you would cross my bridge you must first go on a date with me
  • I literally nailed a plank once
  • Have an assassin put a placebo in her drink, just as a warning
  • Skincare for animated corpses
  • It looks like my penis is engorged with desire but it's just infection
  • I'm afraid the plague has been cancelled due to illness
  • President Conan's wilderness instincts serve him well in politics
  • I would never fuck an animal unless it was a really good kisser. Like really really good.
  • How do you get it so shiny? Is there such a thing as vagina polish?
  • A magical portal has opened to the realm of plot convenience
  • A floating eye isn't quite as impressive if it has to float in water
  • The chaos army seems suspiciously well-organised
  • I've worked at this abbatoir for 20 years. I just reached level 70
  • I'm not happy that it's all our fault but at least it's not all my fault
  • I got hit by an ambulance but it was already full
  • Animals are much stupider since Noah's ark, because of inbreeding
  • Articlefucker Magazine. I just read it for the articles.
  • If I were any more attractive, I'd be totally incompetent
  • To make youe[sic] passing easier on loved ones, why not be an asshole your entire life?
  • You're the best lover I ever had, by weight
  • All I ever wanted was somebody to blame
  • I shall eat the hearts of my enemies to gain their strength, then I'll eat broccoli so kids will hate me
  • Sorry, I'm not a fire fighter- I dress like this to do burglaries
  • I'm surprised to see so many churches in hell. I guess religion is comforting to the damned
  • God can't see you when it's cloudy
  • Colic makes the baby Jesus cry
  • I'm trying to crowdsource a really good fuck
  • Crying always makes me sad and sometimes it causes the death of loved ones
  • I come from a long line of dead people. No wonder I'm attracted to corpses.
  • I have travelled to the realm of death and brought back novelty pencils
  • If I meet the man of my dreams, I hope he doesn't know about my dreams
  • I've summoned this elevator and mistaken myself for a necromancer
  • The god of envy has a better temple than yours
  • Evil bath will get you clean for all the wrong reasons
  • Expect disappointment and you won't be disappointed
  • I hear the ferryman is half man, half boat
  • You can't call it 'figure skating' and then expect me not to masturbate
  • Yours is a finer ass than I will ever touch for free
  • I think you might be on fire but I'm not an expert
  • Please put your sex toys in flight mode before boarding the plane
  • You can stop saying 'fuck' I know what we're doing.
  • Oooh, what's this spooky substance on my sheets? Maybe it's fucktoplasm
  • If 'garage sale' was an innuendo for anal sex I would snicker more on weekends
  • Sometimes, to find yourself, you have to get lost. So, uh...
  • I have a giantess fetish I'm a giant, though, so maybe it's not a fetish
  • Straight from the fabulous nightmare of the glitter mines
  • I'm using my heat vision to see whether you're hot
  • I'm very particular about hygiene. Before oral sex, I'll need you to wash your mouth
  • Please express your sexual desire as an infographic. I understand little else
  • Sexual innuendo? I can keep it up all night.
  • I don't know much about role-playing games, but I've been to a lot of job interviews
  • "You'll be fiiiine!" I shouted as he fell toward the lava
  • I'm attracted to women who are like my mother-legally obliged to look after me
  • You can't fuck all the hot guys, logistically, unless your standards are very high indeed
  • I'm so bad at shoplifting it's technically looting
  • It turns out the bull was just after the matador's autograph
  • I've got a medical condition. Actually, I guess it's more a fetish
  • I love these free-range monster eggs but I hate how my kids keep disappearing
  • A bad necromancer always blames the corpse
  • The ne'er do wells are doing quite well. For a change.
  • We're lousy fighters, great negotiators. Few invaders survive the terms of our surrender
  • I never stopped loving you. ...Or started, to be honest
  • I'll never let you win, Nostalgia Man! Well, just once for old times' sake
  • I think I might be great at oral sex, but can you trust the opinion of someone you've blown?
  • Ooh yeah baby- I bet I'd get on well with your parents
  • Later, an ironic god made parody animals. Many still exist.
  • It's truth or dare poison! Unless you fuck a giraffe in the next 24 hours, you'll die.
  • How much more pathetic do I need to be before I start getting pity sex?
  • Shut the fuck up and get back in your popemobile
  • I'm looking for the kind of problems you can solve with sex
  • We won a procrastination award- 'Best Half-Formed Idea for a Script'
  • That's a great look. I wonder if I could pull it off
  • Pulling knobs opens doors
  • That statue you commissioned was so good it came to life. I still have to charge you though
  • My imaginary girlfriend has real breasts
  • Q: Which mythological monster casts no reflection? A: All of them
  • All I want is some respect from the bitches.
  • As the ghost of a sceptic[sic], I try to stay pretty quiet
  • The palace of secret doors is hardly a palace, is it? It's just this one little room
  • My god believes in self-sacrifice then going on about it forever
  • I'm enjoying this sex act, but I wish it wan't[sic] an act
  • I want my funeral to be a sex funeral, how do I make sure that happens?
  • I love shower sex. IKEA are less keen.
  • Why are skeletons so angry?
  • How can you battle the stab beast? Your stabs only make it stronger
  • I remember now why we fell in love. It was for tax purposes
  • Wow! I like your temporary tattoos! Temporary in that one day you'll die.
  • I believe the children are our future, unless time travel is real
  • I filled my palace with deadly traps so trap admirers will come and visit me
  • True love's okay but a series of false loves gives you more variety
  • Waxing. Not a cure for lycanthropy.
  • As my wedding gift to you, I'm not coming
  • You're a Jehova's Witness? What's Jehova accused of?
  • I'm a wizard / caterer makes it easier to hire people if they know the food will be good

Former list of quotes (as of 14/10/2012 in DD/MM/YYYY)Edit

  • "Don’t punish me for loving you. That’s the court’s job."
  • "I’ve still got plenty of ribs, God! Make more women!"
  • Some days,your cock just seems to stare at you
  • You’d be surprised how many penises there are in ‘lost property’
  • If love is forever,then it doesn’t matter what you pay per hour
  • Technically, you never stop touching yourself
  • It’s a bit like golf, but only a little bit
  • Looking for a god who won’t discriminate by creed
  • Show us your pink bits, not that I’m racist
  • Suddenly I’ve lost interest in porn and gained it in wiping up jism
  • The more you say ‘epic’ the less it means
  • Celebrating those happy moments when the penis is an internal organ
  • You should cosplay this, if only for the hand-jobs
  • No erectile dysfunction yet, touch wood
  • To all the girls I’ve loved before, and the boys I loved after
  • Don’t fear God’s love. He hasn’t got anyone pregnant in 2000 years
  • Presumably Spiderman’s semen is very sticky indeed
  • Highball glasses. Why are they called that?
  • Balancing hope for a better world against the desire to fuck everything
  • You’ve got that look in your eye. But then I’d hardly expect to see it in your mouth
  • Making man-pesto with the meat pestle
  • Just because you put it on food doesn’t make it a condiment
  • Am I too anal about sex?
  • No, it’s not terribly useful as armour.
  • Pay no attention to the stains behind the man behind the curtain
  • Many parts of my body are still virgins
  • The mountain can’t flaw my argument, so it repeats what I say in a funny voice
  • When a song mentions 'arms' I like to shout 'vagina'
  • I don’t want to disrespect the dead, but if alive, that guy's a cunt.
  • Sperm count down but sperm size up. I think they've been eating each other.
  • I made something for you, honey
  • It’s not really escapism, is it? It’s day leave at best.
  • Love conquers anything, up to a point.
  • The penis: if it’s not evil, why did they get H.R. Geiger[sic] to design it?
  • Want to see amateurs in home-made crowns pretend to open kindergartens? barelyregal.com
  • Adult movies adult bus ticket adult diabetes
  • Think of it as juicing an ugly fruit
  • I’ve stooped so low I can’t reach your tits
  • I feel part responsible for the mess you made in my pants
  • I always steal the honey, but those stupid bees keep making more.
  • Some day, this very moment may feature in a flashback.
  • I have a secret. A dark, furry secret with big teeth. Less a secret, really- more a bear.
  • Anything more than 500 years old- probably evil
  • More griping from the disenchanted forest
  • Compare pornography now to 50 years ago, then extrapolate 50 years into the future. ...that shit's nasty
  • No way will I give peace a chance. not after how it left the place last time.
  • DIY for those without tools
  • Whatever you look at while you masturbate is porn. The bedroom ceiling, for instance
  • We’re doing it for the money. When the money arrives, we’ll start doing it with the money.
  • Seriously, what is a 'brink'?
  • Exploring the alien sensuality of sea mammals by ignoring them completely.
  • Educational in ways you can't use. just like trigonometry.
  • Recumbent yet erect
  • 'Hot' as a synonym for 'sexy' is less common from people who've been on fire.
  • The mustard burns a bit, but it accentuates my resemblance to ham.
  • All models are over 18. Or over 21 where required by law
  • People who choose not to stay at home and masturbate constantly- what’s with them?
  • Careful where you point that
  • It breaches, glistening, from the brine then vanishes into the deep. I think it's a whale.
  • Not from round here, depending on how big 'round' is
  • The individual can be divided but it’s not pretty
  • Is there a difference between 'dick jokes' and 'jokes featuring dicks'?
  • Tasteful, moody portraits of cocks with googly eyes
  • Putting the 'v' back in 'voyeurism'. I forget why we took it out in the first place.
  • Sooner or later, we're going to have to stop calling them 'novels'
  • Using drugs is bad, even if you're just using them as a metaphor.
  • The internet- like a training camp for never amounting to anything
  • I'm not saying you read too many webcomics, just that it's possible to.
  • Ships get called 'she' but I bet torpedoes don't
  • I think 'erotica' just means 'porn that works for me'
  • Flesh eating sea-birds: can't live with them, don't have to.
  • "Don't forget the message" ...uh, no, wait. That wasn't the message.
  • I was an angry loner before it was popular
  • If God hates masturbation so much, he should give me a girlfriend.

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